This week I’ve been thinking a lot about the importance of individual actions to overall culture, and I’d like to share a tangible example of that with you.
The other day, my oldest son was making a Lego creation. He snuck a Lego he needed off a spaceship his 3-year-old brother had created the day before.
The middle brother called him out on it, but my 9-year-old said,
“Oh, he’ll never miss it!”
The next day, the middle brother climbed under his big brother’s loft bed and took a Lego mini figure.
Chaos ensued, and I had to step in.
Now obviously, in this particular scenario, my 7-year-old was wrong.
But was his big brother absolved of blame?
No.
As the oldest brother began to look smugly at his little brother, I turned to him and asked:
“What did you do yesterday that influenced what happened today?”
It took him awhile, but eventually he connected his choice to take the Lego piece from his littlest brother to his middle brother’s choice to take the mini figure from him. We talked about how his actions helped create a culture that made the middle brother think it was okay to take his mini figure when he wasn’t looking.
He led by example, and – predictably – his little brother followed suit.
We talked a bit more about culture: about how we all define through action or omission what is acceptable in our house, in our classrooms, in our communities, and in our world. This led to a lot of questions, so I gave the boys an exercise. I asked each one of them to take a few minutes and write down some of the things they want in their family culture.
Below is a list of some of the things they came up with.
We Want To Be Brothers Who:
- Try to agree before picking a TV show
- Don’t argue (at least until Mom has had coffee 🙂 )
- Don’t steal (includes borrowing permanently without asking)
- Give each other the benefit of the doubt
- Take care of anyone who is sick
- Take care of our dogs (no sitting on them)
- Take care of our things
- Take care of our younger brother(s)
- Don’t prank each other (because pranking embarrasses us)
- Don’t lie to each other
This only took a few moments, but I think it was an important exercise. Not intentionally embarrassing one another, not assuming the worst, taking care of each other . . . these are all things that they have now articulated as important to them. I’m sure they will slip up and won’t always honor this, but they at least have a reference point for future conversations when they do slip up. Making a family culture list was also such a good way to remind them that they are already leaders . . . even though they are just kids. I reminded them that a culture statement doesn’t mean anything if they act inconsistently with it, so they have to be active participants in making that list a reality. We’ve already been able to revisit that idea a few times this week, so it has turned into an important parenting tool.
I’m curious as to whether any of you have ever actually written this type of list out before with your families, and I’m interested in how that has worked out for you. Please share any resources you’ve used or generated, and maybe I can include them in a future post!
Glenda D. Edwards says
You are a very smart mom! This is a good tip for teachers to use when dealing with misbehavior at school. Thanks for sharing.