Have you been on social media lately? If so, then your newsfeed (like mine) might be full of your female friends posting two words:
“Me, too.”
If you are wondering why you are seeing those words all over your screen, they are written in response to a Facebook post that originally read:
“If all the women who have been sexually harassed or assaulted wrote ‘Me too’ as a status, we might give people a sense of the magnitude of the problem.”
I’m 36. I haven’t done an official poll on this, but my guess is that by the second half of your thirties, you are braver about sharing this kind of information than you are in your twenties or teens. So if you are younger, maybe your feed isn’t full of the “me, toos.”
Unfortunately, statistics suggest that by the time you’re 36 . . . it will be.
There’s a lot to digest in some of the stories that have made it to the “front page” of the social media world as a result of this current campaign . . . a lot that I hope people keep digesting and thinking about. But this particular blog isn’t a think piece. Instead, it’s a very practical post that I hope you’ll read, quickly share, and file away until you need it. Because, chances are, it’s one you will actually need. It’s one I have needed, my friends have needed, and friends and family members of females will continue to need unless something drastically changes.
This is a post about what to do when a girl goes missing.
What do I mean: ‘goes missing’?
Well first, there’s the obvious scenario. You’re at a party. You’re at a sleepover. You’re at church youth group. You’re at gymnastics practice. You’re at the doctor’s office. You’re at a math competition. You’re at a best friend’s house. You’re at the mall. You’re at the movie theater. You’re at a coat drive. You’re at a youth retreat. Really – you can be anywhere where there are other people. You’re with your friend. You’re with your student. You’re with your daughter. You’re with your sister. You’re with your roommate. You’re with your lab partner. Suddenly you realize you aren’t with her anymore.
She’s gone and you don’t know where she is.
Find her.
This doesn’t mean babysit. This doesn’t mean hover. This just means be a friend. I like my space probably more than the next girl, and this isn’t an invitation to infringe on it. But this is a general observation that in a dangerous world, two are better than one (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12). So make it normal to make sure she’s safe, and make it normal for her to do the same for you. This isn’t weak, this is smart. And strong.
But – maybe you didn’t lose your friend in a club or at a bar or at the Y. Maybe you knew where she was and she was with someone she trusted. Maybe something bad happened anyway. According to the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network, 7 out of 10 rapes are committed by someone known to the victim, and 93% of juvenile sexual abuse victims knew their perpetrator. This means that maybe you had every reason to believe that your friend or daughter or roommate or sister was safe, when in fact she was in harm’s way.
If this is the case, there’s a great chance that she hasn’t told you and maybe hasn’t told anyone . . . and the only sign might be that she suddenly goes missing.
Wait – what does ‘goes missing’ mean in this context?
Maybe she loved family reunions or church youth group or seventh grade. Maybe she loved being with a group of friends or going to every ball game or going to work. Maybe she was the life of the party or the best in one-act play or the one you could count on at every sorority social. Maybe whenever you thought of your club or your team or your “group,” she was always one of the first who came to mind, and then
– Poof –
She’s gone.
Obviously, there can be a million explanations when someone suddenly falls off the face of the earth. Maybe her relative died. Maybe she went to rehab. Maybe she broke up with her boyfriend or decided to take up gymnastics or is studying for the LSAT. Any of these things could have happened.
But also – maybe she was the victim of sexual assault.
That could have happened too.
If it did, chances are good that she isn’t volunteering this information. Chances are good that she has some quick response about where she’s been. Chances are good you may know the person who hurt her, and she’s afraid you won’t believe her. Or you’ll think she misunderstood. Or you won’t take her side.
Go find her.
Don’t just wait to run into her on the bus. Don’t just like her posts on Facebook or wave at her across the pews at church or wait until the fates weave your paths together again.
Go get her. Take her to supper. Or coffee. Or bowling. Or Zumba. Go for a walk or pick her up for a girl’s night. You don’t have to know everything right away, but make yourself a safe place for her. Listen. Wait. And if it comes up,
Believe her.
Support her.
Love her.
This isn’t a license to be nosy or gossipy or jump to conclusions. This is a license to be a friend and an encourager (Hebrews 10:24-25). The deep wounds of abuse and assault often steer victims towards isolation, where it is almost impossible to obtain healing and help. If someone who has been a part of your life in a committed way simply stops showing up, don’t miss an opportunity to proactively find out why. Maybe abuse has nothing to do with it. But maybe it does.
Now, let’s assume a variation on the above scenario. Maybe your friend or daughter or co-worker or mom didn’t just experience something traumatic. Maybe she has been up to her ears in adulting and wearing 16 different hats and has been making sure that everyone and everything is taken care of, just like she always does . . . and then,
she goes missing.
Except she doesn’t. She still keeps showing up, doing the same things, taking care of the same people . . . but something about her is vacant. She’s going through the motions. She’s weepy when no one’s looking or she’s numb or she’s suddenly just “off” in a way that you’ve never witnessed before.
Sure – it could be anything. As life presses down there could be any number of reasons a woman slips away in plain sight. Maybe her husband is cheating. Maybe she’s hit menopause. Maybe she’s pregnant. Maybe she wishes she had pursued a different career.
But – maybe she experienced sexual assault. Maybe she was 13 when it happened and now she’s 72. Maybe she was raped repeatedly or maybe she was “just” touched inappropriately. Maybe she’s in constant contact with the perpetrator. Maybe she never saw him after that day. Maybe she almost buried it in the best-forgotten past . . . but then,
a song comes on the radio,
or an image splashes across Facebook,
or something about the weather or a place or an object or a stranger triggers a memory, and she loses herself right where she’s standing and doesn’t know how to find her way back again.
Go find her.
Don’t assume anything. Don’t pressure her to tell anything she doesn’t want to.
But, just in case, remind her of the wonderful woman she is.
Remind her of the beauty of her life.
Remind her of hope (Lamentations 3:22-23).
Show her you’ll stay with her until the darkness gives way to light once again.
Kelly Fennell says
You are a beautiful person and beautiful writer.
Melissa says
Thanks Kelly!
Jackie Killings says
Once again I am speechless. Your gift of weaving the right words at the perfect pace to open a reader’s mind and heart is so powerful. Wonderfully written!
Melissa says
Thanks Jackie! Your encouragement helps me keep going!
Jordan Straw says
Love you and the way you write! You know you have always been a mentor for me and part of that is because of how eloquently you put things…plus your awesomeness!
Melissa says
Thank you Jordan!! Can you come over and tell my kids how awesome I am? I think they need to know. Lol. 🙂
Julie says
Go find her. So simple yet so meaningful.
PatJ says
This is a beautiful piece and so needed, Melissa. I was listening to Christian Radio talk show yesterday and the guest was a lady that had been abused. She was giving the same message. In addition, she said we need to speak up to encourage others to know they are not alone. You have spoken. Thank you
Darlene Lofty says
Beautifully written and much needed guidance for how to be a friend to someone who is in pain. I’m so thankful God has allowed our paths to cross.